((Authors note: This is a piece whose humor is based upon what I consider the more radical elements of religion. Its intent is not to offend, I don't believe it will, and I certainly hope it does not.))
The Holy Land
By Kevin "Druzil-mun"
"This is great! I can’t believe you actually brought us here". Sammy was a sandy haired 12 year old skate punk and had been wishing for this trip for at least 2 years. The way he figured it that was fully 1/6th of his life. He’d often argued with his parents that it was stupid that they wasted so much time and money on other vacations when is was just sitting here waiting for them. His sister had other ideas.
"Yeah, great. Mom, this is so lame! I was totally over all of this after I failed out of Sunday school". Now you may be asking, how one fails out of Sunday school. Teri, a pretty girl with long blond hair and a penchant for being immodest had figured it all out when she was just a wee tyke. After 2 years of "Jesus Says" and more times saying the Hail Mary than the rest of her class combined she’d discovered one very important thing. Nuns don’t like bare skin. So each Sunday as she prepared to go into class she would disrobe and send the entire classroom into fits of giggles and gasps. After 3 consecutive weeks she was banned from Sunday school with a very harsh warning that any further behavioral outbreaks would get her banned from the church all together. Teri took this advice to heart and the following week emerged from the ladies room during the sermon wearing only her sneakers. She is 16 now and much to her parents chagrin she’s not changed much.
"Oh come on now, it’ll be fun. How many kids get to visit the ‘Holy Land’ with their entire family along for the trip"? Mable, who could have passed for Teri’s older sister was ever the optimist. She could find the silver lining in a fart cloud. Of course this trait was enhanced by her prescription mood stabilizers and the fact that she often simply ignored the real questions and responded with platitudes that made little to no sense. But she did love her husband and her children with a zeal few others could boast.
"That’s right Mable. Teri, count your blessings and appreciate what you have". And now you’ve met Gil, a portly gentleman with a permanent expression of disinterest etched across his fat face. His most effective parenting generally comes in the form of parroting what his wife says. Mostly he’s hugely disconnected from the family. Privately he would tell you he only sticks around because Mable is what his son’s friends affectionately refer to as a MILF. That combined with the fact that when she is high on mood stabilizers she is very explorative in the sack.
This trip had been two years in the making. The logistics of planning the trip had been, according to Gil, Quite overwhelming. Saving the money, buying the plain tickets, and getting the passports. Not to mention reserving the hotel and getting a rental car. But now that they are here, it all seemed worth it. To everyone but Teri at least. This is ‘The Holy Land’ after all.
"Man I can’t wait to hit the coasters! Billy, my friend from school said they have one here that drops you like 8 stories"! Sammy led them through the maze of Autos in the labyrinthine parking lot. It was a scorching 98 degrees in southern California and the entire family looked in awe upon the massive theme park before them. Spelled out in various religious symbols the words "The Holy Land" spread across a Jumbotron which hung above a litter of turnstiles and ticket booths.
I’m guessing by now you’re wondering why they needed passports to travel to California, well so am I.
As they approached the ticket booths they noticed that they were each labeled. A sign on the left hand booth read "Jewish Admittance 15.00" then in small print under the ticket price it said "free participation in the parade included". The middle booth’s sign read "Christian’s Admission 10.00" and in small print beneath it read "because Jesus Loves you". The sign on the booth to the right said "Everyone Else 20.00"and in small print beneath it said "Convert now and save 50% on admission". Well they were good Christians, at least 3 of them were, so they paid their 40 dollars and entered via the Christian tunnel.
As they emerged into daylight they were nearly accosted by a large man in a black pen striped suit wearing a top hat and carrying a cane.
"Step right up good folks and please, take your seats for the Sermon on the Mount"! He shuffled them along quickly, sparing a moment for a glance back as the ladies passed and bellowed again to the people behind them.
They stepped forward and found themselves standing smack dab in the middle of what appeared to be a rather large mountain. Fortunately whoever built it found it necessary to place padded benches in the shapes of fallen logs in rows for their seating pleasure. Teri picked a row and sat down facing what looked to be a stage. After a short while the seating around them had filled.
"Believers, friends, followers of the good word thank you for coming out today to hear the word of our Father". The voice bellowed forth from hidden speakers as fog filled the stage. When the fog cleared there stood a man dressed as Jesus holding a microphone. "Do unto others as they would do unto you. Judge not lest ye be judged and let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Now your jobs as Christians is to go forth into the land which is Holy and find these men". 'Park Jesus' pulled a poster off the ground. It was a picture of a vagrant, a long haired bearded man dressed in rags and carrying a plastic shopping bag. "Find them and convert them to our path. The path of light and righteousness, and you will receive great prizes! Go forth my disciples, and spread the word. Also try the chili fries. They are heavenly". With that the park Jesus belched and disappeared not so mysteriously down some stairs on the back of the stage and out of sight.
"Ladies, gentlemen and children of all ages please follow the golden path out the other side of the auditorium through the golden gates and enjoy the parade"! The man in the black striped suit reappeared and directed traffic momentarily before sending in an other group of visitors.
The four made their way along what apparently was a balcony. They walked the length of the balcony and stopped at yet another man in a similarly striped suit. As they looked down over the railing they could see a group of people lining an earthen road awaiting the parade. As more people filed in behind them along the railings the suited man spoke.
"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the "Persecution of Christ" parade". At his words the people gathered among the road began to stir. Within moments there appeared yet another Park Jesus carrying a cross struggling to stay on his feet.
"The what"? Gil asked. He was incredulous at the very idea, and yet couldn’t help being transfixed by it. Was this what it had actually been like?
"Hey Mister" Sammy tugged on the suited mans coat, "how do we get down there"? He pointed to the crowd on the street.
"Ah, young master. I see this is your first time in our park. It works like this. When you entered the park today you entered as Christians paid your fare and thus the introduction to the park is as a Christian. Your job is to support Jesus as he tries to carry his cross, your sins, on his back. Now they", he pointed back to the crowd on the street " they entered as ‘other’ and so they paid a little more for admission and thus they get a little different introduction to the park beginning with Moses and the Ten commandments. Finally they", he pointed to what appeared to be an angry mob who where laughing and jeering and throwing tomatoes at Jesus, "they entered as Jews and so their job is the persecution". He smiled and turned away from the boy fully satisfied he’d explained everything he needed to. Sammy looked to his dad who simply shook his head and shrugged, and decided to let it drop.
They watched the rest of the Parade and then were ushered through yet another set of doors, down a flight of stairs and into the whitest and brightest building they’d ever seen. A giant red and gold banner announced this as "7th Heaven: Godly Gifts for our Goodly Guests". As their eyes adjusted to the light an extravaganza of god themed gifts sprawled out before them. They walked past display cases with items such as:
"Little Sinners Casting Stones – great for taking care of the neighborhood bully. Once he’s been stoned by these perfectly weighted and balanced casting stones he’ll skip your house on his next round of late night vandalism".
"Hey dorko" Teri tossed Sammy a ‘Water to Wine Magic Kit: impress your friends with your new and amazing powers. Parents substitute grape juice for wine if being used by minors’.
"Dad, Dad, check this out. It’s perfect for Teri", Sammy thrust a box into Gil’s hands.
"Says here this is a ‘Ho’s to Halos Conversion Kit. Complete with Chastity Belt, hair Scrunchie, minimizing undergarments and false buck teeth’. We need two".
"Giiiillll! Now you stop teasing your daughter and put those back"! Mable wanted nothing more than to get out of this place. It made her very uncomfortable.
After spending a few more minutes in the shop they were making their way out into the park area when a huge television screen came to life at the front of the store.
"Have your children lost their way?" A beautiful angel came into view on the screen, her voice penetrating and harmonic. "Do they need help staying on the path of righteousness? Introducing the ‘Jesus Leash’! Just strap the padded leather harness above and below the arms and padlock in front. Then snap on a length of hemp rope and viola! You have complete control of your little heathens’ spiritual well being. Available for only 19.95". Gil and Mable just stared at each other for a moment but were drawn back to the screen as the angel began speaking again.
"Neighborhood kids getting you down? Can’t find a way to admonish yet love them like a Christian should? Introducing the ‘Bastard Bat’. A sturdy yet softish cricket paddle that repeats loving phrases as it administers punishment. Phrases include:
‘Your daddy should have married your mommy’
‘You act this way because both your mommies don’t love you’
‘Both your daddies are going to hell’
"Just 29.99 at 7th Heaven"
"Nice"! Teri was pointing to the screen which was displaying the paddle and laughing. "Look, Look! It’s got Jesus’ head on the end of the handle. HA"! Sure enough, the bulb at the end of the handle was a carving of Jesus wearing the Crown of Thorns.
"Really, how tacky" said Mable. She shook her head and looked to Gil who had turned his attention to another patron, a shapely young woman, trying on a replica Crown of Thorns in a mirror. She doubted very much that his eyes had wandered any further north than her tight little rump.
"WHAT"? Gil spun back around and faced his family rubbing the spot where Mable had smacked his arm.
"She’s probably not even 18", she hissed.
"Who"? He swung his head from left to right.
"Never mind"! She blurted, a little louder than expected. A few of those closest to them turned and looked at her. Her face flush with color she herded the kids further toward the exit of the shop.
"Did you forget to take your pill this morning? You know the doctor said any time you are going to do anything stressful to be sure you take the anxiety pill". Gil was treading on thin ice, but completely oblivious to it. What he didn’t know was that she had taken her pill, and good thing she did because if not he would be doubled over holding his luggage right about now. She smiled in spite of her self, whenever she referred to his twig and berries as luggage it made her laugh. Mostly because the saggy old things did look like luggage, wrinkly hairy veiny luggage.
"Dad, I think you better lay off mom", Billy had seen that flash of anger on his mothers face. When it came and went so quickly it was a sign of true danger. She was holding it in, which meant by the end of the day today… KABOOM! She would explode into a tirade of hatred and vitriol that only his father would survive, mostly because he wouldn’t be listening anyway. If he kept pushing her it would be Teri and himself that would pay the price.
"I’m just saying I think.."
"DAD! Shut up"! Teri turned on her father and glared at him with such ferocity he averted his eyes and let the issue drop. She had her mother’s evil eye, but she would use it at the drop of a hat. Mable smiled again. She knew that Gil would behave for a while now. He doesn’t enjoy conflict any more than she does.
As they approached the exits from the gift shop they noticed two distinct lines forming at the doors. One was all men, the other all women. Painted on the wall between the two doors was a message labeling the left door for women and the right door for men.
Standing between the two doors was another man in the striped suit, hat and cane.
"Gentlemen, welcome to the Garden of Eden. Please enter to your right and enjoy the plush surroundings and the extravagant refreshments. No women please", he paused tipped his hat and added with a wink, "After all, they did ruin it the first time round". Billy and Gil both laughed heartily and ran off to the entrance to Eden.
"Ladies, please take your place in line to the left for a free show and ice cream social". The suited man bowed and they grudgingly made their way to the ladies line.
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((More to come, if i'm not stricken down first. LOL))
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