Something Short This Way Toddles

Subject: Something Short This Way Toddles Wed Apr 14, 2010 12:08 am

The day came—a habit it found hard to break—and the dwarf rose early as he always did. The time-honored dwarven ritual of scratching this and that was carried out in the routine fashion, closed out with the customary jaw-stretching yawn. Morning was here and so was the dwarf. Now, the only thing left to do was to discover exactly where here was. He may not have ended up where he intended to go, but he was sure he had ended up exactly where he was. This was almost a certainty and the only certainty in the dwarf’s life was doubt. The flimsy parchment map was unrolled to check his reckoning. Where the map showed the tunnel slopping down he found it angled up. Right was left and left was right except when right was straight and left was never as straight as right should have been. Sometimes right and left twisted around each other so neither one knew which way it was supposed to go. The fine print at the bottom of the map had the seal and inscribed guarantee of a royal topographer. Therein lay the problem: this was a tunnel. It should have been drawn up by an underographer. Sometimes luck made him right - whether or not he turned left, there was a fifty percent chance he was actually right. Of course an unmarked intersecting tunnel or cave-in always lessened the favorable odds. Tynk assured himself he was going to get to wherever he was headed one step at a time.

Time, it lingered onward, but let’s trip backwards some.

He’d left his former realm after HerLadyShipness had taken to coming and going without the need of a coachman. What good was a coachman when there was nobody to coach? Well, that was that, Victoria’s secret was hers to keep. But the dwarf did suspect she was smitten with a certain molasses-mouthed fellow that had a knack for wooing and a plethora of sparkly trinkets to hold her attention and, yes, there probably was some smooching involved. Tynk didn’t have the heart to tell the lady that the 24 carrots she dazzled her closest acquaintances with was nothing but a band of that worthlessly pliable stuff called gold. She seemed so happy and if happiness was thinking you had 2-dozen tubular vegetables on your finger who was he to say otherwise? Women were confusing.

So he left, making sure to snuff out all the candles, draw the drapes, place hankies over the doilies, and cover everything with white sheets. Granted he did the last first, so when the candles caught the cloth on fire he had to quickly rethink the process. The last act, after putting the fires out, was to lock the castle gates then toss the key over the wall. The one hitch in this plan was the simple fact he was still inside.

A week later he was deep underground. Starting from the hearth in the castle’s great room a digging commenced. Dwarves were the original diggers. They taught moles how to be moles and, truth be told, before dwarves were discovered moles were tree dwellers.

He did stop now and then for a break, or a short nap. He even tried hibernating, but that was bearly tolerable. Deep sleep eluded him: a loophole in the counting sheep theory, a Shepard present in his head always offered an accurate count before he even got started.

A month later he was running low on ale. The situation looked bleak, but onward he did dig diligently downward, until a subterranean chamber got in the way of the digging. This was to be expected; the map indicated the proximity of such a cavity located down here in the country’s crusty canvas overcoat.

Dwarves are fascinated by large underground chambers and Tynk was no exception, so he set about checking the accuracy of the map and since none of the rock formations were named he did that as well. Attaching such well thought out names as Big Pointy Rock on Ceiling to a big pointed stalactite, Tall Pointy Stone to a rather tall stalagmite, Stinky Mushy Stuff That Does Not Scrape Off Easily to bat guano. It went on and on like this for weeks until the chamber ended at the beginning of a tunnel. The dwarf trudged on.

Sometime after that he arrived at the start of this story.

So, he was lost. Perhaps lost is too harsh a word. Directionally challenged fit Tynk—and no, that’s not a short joke.

A dragon had once eaten Tynk. If not for the little known fact that dragons had overly large uvulas, a dragon surely would have swallowed him. But luck seemed to poke its head out at the most appropriate times for Tynk.

What the dwarf didn’t know and the narrator did was that somewhere high above - let’s say 12 feet - a Knight with an uncanny ability to travel at the whims of magic had just winked in and grabbed some gardenias from an good-natured gothic governess’ garden for a girl who was gravitating to his gallantry, grace and grandeur (and probably the huge amount of money his mommy and daddy had left him). Then he winked out, or at least tried to. What the narrator knew and the Knight didn’t was that the magic worked the first time, only slightly lower than he originally intended - let’s say about 12 feet lower. (What most veteran magic users would argue is that magic wasn’t to be used willy-nilly, for things could easily go awry. No self-respecting wizard or mage would dare use magic to perform such a mundane task as walking. Besides, it was good cardio exercise and of course a good horse could be had for a card trick. There were also unemployed coachmen. Overuse of magic often set the local economy in a downward spiral.)

Dwarves never believed in magic. Even when the rabbit was pulled out of the hat they chose to ignore it.

Tynk’s ability to ignore the situation was being tested. A moment ago he was in a tunnel; now, he was in what can only be described as a slightly larger than dwarf size space carved out of stone. If that didn’t give the fellow positive proof the improbable was probable, the smell of gardenias permeated the place.

When you find yourself in a hole stop digging unless, of course, you wanted out of said hole. Without hesitation that’s what our intrepid little wanderer did: he dug upwards. Minutes passed and the dwarf dug. Hours went by and the dwarf dug. A day came and went and the dwarf…he’d stopped to perform the time-honored ritual of scratching, etc.

He sat there wedged at the top of the vertical tunnel just finishing his yawn when he heard music. It came from above. Stuffing pieces of torn cloth into his ears, he continued digging until he came to an obstacle that had the very shape, texture and sharp edges of a floor tile. A few well-placed taps, some wiggling, and a few more taps, the tile gave way. Stubby fingers pushed it upwards and grasped the sides to slide it slowly out of the way.

One month ago today, Tynkre LaRoache arrived in Solurius. One month ago today and the castle was still standing.

P.S. The knight did eventually reach his lady fair. But being flustered by the long walk and lack of flowers he struggled to come up with even one honey-dipped word of wooing. That earned him a scornful stare and a frying pan to the face.

Subject: Re: Something Short This Way Toddles Wed Apr 14, 2010 2:34 am

(applauds. "well done sir. I look forward to more of the Adventures of Tynk)

Subject: Re: Something Short This Way Toddles Wed Apr 14, 2010 7:17 pm

(Applaudes with Vicki. Excellent!)

Subject: Re: Something Short This Way Toddles Wed Apr 14, 2010 7:32 pm

((That was so awesome! Can't wait to read more Very Happy

))

Subject: Re: Something Short This Way Toddles Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:06 am

((Oh this is gonna be fun with Tynkre waddling around))

Article Enhancer Number of posts : 267 Registration date : 2007-09-26

((Awesome!!! More! More!!)

Subject: Re: Something Short This Way Toddles Sun Apr 18, 2010 11:59 am

((such wonderful writing. More please!))

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