Responses can be as racy as you please but NO outright vulgarity. There are children, virgins and impressionable fools present!
Words can be repeated, ie, body parts
BE CREATIVE! This story is only as fun as your answers. I’ve done my bit, now you all do yours.
THE TOURNAMENT
It had been the rainiest summer anyone could remember, and the inhabitants of the Moors were bored. Beyond bored. Desperate to improve morale, Meldrum declared that there would be a grand tournament, come rain or come shine.
The invitations were penned. They were shaped like SHADOW COVE and were decorated with THE QUEEN and SCABBARDS. Queen Caillean and her ladies had worked on them for days. Lulu had made posters that hung in the taverns of the realm proclaiming the event:
“Come one and all to the PINK tournament of TABLE LEGS! See the most GREEDY men in the realm and their most FAT ladies as they demonstrate their chivalric arts!” On the poster was a likeness of Lulu holding a BODICE and dressed like a BODYGUARD. Everyone agreed it was very flattering and reminded them of CAESAR. “Really?” she beamed. I was hoping more to go for the LIBERACE effect myself, but I suppose that’s just as good!”
Responses came back fast and furious. The tournament would be well attended!
Aly, as First Knight, would be acting as the Master of the Tournament. She took her duties as the Head of the DMoS very seriously, and proudly explained to newcomers that “DMoS” stood for DARING MASTICATES of SUBLIMATE. When asked how someone could recognize a DMoS member, Aly said, “That’s easy. At first glance you can recognize our Knights by the
ARMOIRE on their FIBULAS . When you address a DMoS member, always say, “PLATYPUS” and salute JUDICIOUSLY. They all have SULTRY haircuts, keep their CATAPAULTS shined and their WINDOWS clean at all times. We have a motto: “We’re looking for a few good MASSAGE OILS. “ When we do roll call, our members always call THRONE!” loud and clear. They are familiar with all the current weapons, including incredibly sharp TAPESTRIES and catapults which launch two hundred pound LESIONS. Our Knights are the most ENGORGED MEMBERS in Solurius and our Mages are the most HEAVING TRACTS in Solurius or anywhere else.”
The King and Queen arrived with much pomp and circumstance, with Meldrum giving the opening speech.
“Ladies and Gentlemen of the Court. On this WET occasion it’s a privilege to address such an SODDEN -looking group of TRESSES. I can tell from your smiling CLEFTS that you are as pleased as I about this VIGOROUS tournament. Although I know you all to be of the highest honor, I remind you again that sportsmanship is key; there will be no TEASING of REDOUBT, no RIDING of SKIRTS and certainly no UNLACING of BELLS. The tournament winner is to be given a GUSTY WINE as a prize.”
Caillean wore a new crown, shaped like a CARPET and studded with CANDY just for the occasion. Her gown was, of course,
the latest fashion. Meldrum thought she looked like a SWORD.
Neala rose to bless the participants. “In the name of the Goddess, for we are Her SPOONS and she is our SECOND COUSIN TWICE REMOVED , I ask that light and honor shine on every KILT here today.” Everyone thought this was quite wise indeed, and said BLOOD FOR ODIN! and nodded their NOSTRILS in agreement. When Meldrum and Caillean took their places seated on golden TABLES, the games were officially underway.
Archery was the first event. Each man was given six SHEEP to fire at a target shaped like a BOTTLE. LILIA had even offered to give a kiss to the winner as well, so competition promised to be fierce.
BJ was the odds on favorite, being a trained archer. He had been working the crowd by warming up publicly, knocking ROCKS off people’s heads with STARS while he was blindfolded with a SWORD. Nearby Mali almost swooned with delight; she loved BJ so much her THUMBS ached and her THIGHS turned BLACK with excitement if he even walked near. She had
been thrilled when he asked for her SPLEEN in marriage. He was her idea of the perfect CHICKEN . He was the only man she had truly loved and she wanted him to be the father of her TOLROZE. As for BJ, he was equally in love with Mali. Something about the way she KICKED made his heart leap and when she STABBED her LILIA, he would lie awake thinking of it all night.
Declan was the first to fire in competition. He shot 40 of STEVES at the target and scored 4. The crowd was delighted, calling him COL SAUNDERS and a natural born BATMAN. He swept off his HELMET in acknowledgement of their praise and bowed DORKLY, his EYES nearly scraping the floor.
Michael was next, and looked at the target with a critical EAR. That would be difficult to beat! He slipped a STONE into his bow and let it fly. He followed it with a HORSE, a SHIELD and several SHIPS eventually scoring 6. The crowd went wild, exclaiming over his style. “TYREAL’S EYES!” they cried. "Did you see how the muscles in his HAND bulged as he released that
last one?”
MICHAEL was declared the winner. LILIA called him up to the podium for the Winner’s Kiss. “Pucker up that gorgeous NOSE of your’s,” said LILIA. “You’ve earned this!” It was passionate. It was downright juicy. And everyone speculated on the prizes to be given privately later.
The Royal Mage and the shapeshifter, Chein of Chaos, had their own ideas about tournament events. To them, magic was the name of the game. They had arranged a battle of spells, no holds barred, and opinion was split as to whether Chein or Helgraz would triumph. Chein began by saying “SHAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG!” and making a large SCROLL appear between
TOLROZE AND LILIA to stop all the kissing. He looked around the room for a subject, his eyes settling on Lulu. With a click of his wrist, Lulu’s TEETH began to rise off the floor, to everyone’s amazement. Helgraz was the only one unimpressed, and before Chein could finish, he took the field and fired off a spell too, calling, “ T’AVES BADXTALO!” Well!! Two spells being cast
at once, who knew what the side effects might be? As it was Lulu floated some 7,629 feet off the ground, spinning SWIMMINGLY and then landed again with a BOOM! She leapt up, and began running in circles at lightning speed, shouting HORSE! HORSE!, HORSE!” in the King’s THIGH and ran off, horrified. Meldrum decreed that the competition would be halted
until further notice, and ordered Chein and Helgraz to put their BIG TOES together and think of a remedy.
As with any grand sporting event, a halftime show was in order, and was sorely needed to distract the group from Lulu’s plight. Bard Katie was the first act. She was famous for playing songs about TENDER GOLD on a golden FORK , her instrument of choice. She had a voice like a DRAGON and often had people clapping their HANDS in appreciation and tossing SWORDS at
her feet in tribute. As she played Lilia danced SLOWLY around her in circles tossing huge handfuls of sweets shaped like MOONS. As the realm’s sweet procurer, she conjured up visions of SILVER STARS in the air over Kate’s head, the effect being very BEAUTIFUL. Kate sang a tale of a very SLEEPY King, who would go into foreign GLASS and bring back LEAF PILES . He taxed his own people and made them give him WOODCHUCKS as payment for farming the land. Finally, some LONG LEGGED young OREOS got fed up and organized a protest. They fought oppression by carrying signs that
said the king was in PARIS. After many years of revolt, they finally HID the king. For punishment, he had to marry a TANK and live in TWITTER and sew little frilly BRAIDS for the rest of his life. Meldrum applauded her and gave her a HAT as a token of appreciation.
At this point, Lulu streaked across the field dressed as an SEWER WORKER and shouting POOP_! POOP! POOP!” over and over. People watched with interest as she disappeared into a CAT with the frustrated spell casters running behind.
A mock combat demonstration was in order, where DrachenFyre offered to take dragon form and allow Tolroze to try and slay him. Equally confident, each was so certain that they would harm the other that the BIRD-LIKE healer, Miyuki had been asked to stand by. Drach was a magnificent BLUE dragon measuring 3 feet long with two enormous MONSTERS sprouting from his shoulders. His claws were like PLATINUM, his eyes glowed like GLASS and his teeth were sharp as CHOICE.
Tolroze was prepared for anything, encased from head to toe in ROCKS and brandishing a dangerous looking DRAGON as a weapon. Drach let Tolroze have the first attack and Tolroze let forth a tremendous cry of OY VEY! as he lunged forward with all the fury of an SLOW CART. Drach, totally surprised by the ferocity of this offensive, received an SMOOTH wound to his ARM shouting HELLS BELLS! Miyuki was quickly at his side examining Drach with a ROSE. She pressed PERFUME to it firmly, at which time the wound SCREAMED. The healer said a prayer of thanks to CLEOPATRA for her healing powers and left the field. Now it was Drach’s turn, and his eyes were burning with DESIRE. No doubt Tolroze would expect the usual fire-breathing dragon routine, but Drach had something new in mind. Instead of fire, he opened his SULTRY jaws and instead breathed BELLS all over the hapless knight. Tolroze was startled and shouted YE GODS AND FISHES! just before
he was lost to view. Several spectators rushed forward to get the debris off him and help him to his feet. It soon became evident that he had broken his SPLEEN and again Miyuki’s assistance was required. Miyuki stepped in PRECARIOUSLY and healed him by having him drink a potion of TEA and RUM mixed with ground CAT. Almost instantly Tolroze felt SHINY. Not eager for more blood to be shed, he declared Drach the winner simply by virtue of creative merit and the two friends thumped each other on the CHIN and left the field THROWING and to much general applause.
Ali, engaged to Zindelo, was eagerly discussing her wedding with the other ladies. They all envied the glow in her cheeks, and asked if it was the bloom of love. “Oh, no,” she answered with a CRAZY smile. Every morning, I massage my face BRIGHTLY with a STRAWBERRY that has been soaked overnight in warm MILK. Then I mix together some BAKLAVA and some MUTTON until the mixture becomes CREEPY and then apply it with a SHOE for five minutes. I take it off with FLOWERS and rinse thoroughly with ALE. I hope if I do this every day without fail then I will be as drop dead gorgeous as TOLROZE." The ladies wrote it all down, vowing silently to begin at once.
Jousting, of course, was the main draw. Zindelo and Rennie were the first to be paired. Zindelo wore armour made of BATTLEAXES and proudly carried his family’s crest on his shield: two TIDY CROWNS surrounded by CHEEKY TANKARDS. He looked SILLY and carried a 14 BAZILLION ONE HUNRED MILLION foot long PHALLIC SYMBOL as his weapon of choice. At the other end of the field was Rennie, eyeing her competition ADVERSLY. Like Zindelo, she carried her family crest: a PRIG against a spotted background of PHALLIC SYMBOLS. She was unable to catch sight of her husband, Nico, and therefore speculation was high on whose token she would carry into battle. “OY VEY!” cried TOLROZE elbowing his way through the crowd. “Rennie, my darling! Carry this with you as a token of my hidden love!” He waved a PHALLIC SYMBOL in the air and ran toward the REDDISH PURPLE knight, stuffing it into her UNDERPANTS and
kissing her QUICKLY on the LEFT BREAST. “There, my little GOOSHY CROWN, know that I have carried this close to my BRAIN all day long!” Rennie looked OBTUSE and climbed onto her mount, a SHINY EMU standing almost 6 LITERS high. Her chosen weapon was an enormous GLITTERY WINE which she brandished with the grace of an KING. The riders went to
opposite ends of the field, lifted their weapons, and then spurred their mounts toward each other with SUNNY cries of GET OFF MY LAWN!” The impact was enormous, and both jousters were thrown to the ground, weapons shattered. Proceedings were temporarily halted as Lulu once more RAN across the tournament field, this time singing, doing an impression of DRACHENFYRE singing DOCTOR, MY EYES. Miyuki joined the spell casters this time in chasing her down as the joust continued. As the warriors stood up again, they RAN and their squires brought them HORSES for the hand-to-hand combat. Zindelo and Rennie swung at each other simultaneously! Zindelo scored a 8 and Rennie scored a 4. The crowd went
wild as the victor let out a shout of triumph and the vanquished muttered HELP in good natured defeat.
Meldrum presented the tournament champion with his prize, and all the people of the Moors cheered and WENT. The Healer and spell casters returned with Lulu, who, having been returned to her normal delightful self, was cheered just as loudly as the tournament champion and elevated to Honorary EXCHEQUER of NATO for her good sportsmanship. The tournament was then concluded.
Hail to thee, Knights of Solurius
Bright ye shine in times of Dark;
Long may Meldrum King reign o’er us
Of his fire you’re each a spark.
Hail to thee, Solurius Mage and Healers,
Know thy goodness long will shine;
May the peace of all the ages
Ever bless both thee and thine.
Hail thee, Moorsian Lords and Ladies
Raise up each lofty voice and sing;
I ask you now to raise your glasses
To Home, to realm to friends and King!
“HUZZAH!”
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