Thoughts in the Dark

Subject: Pain Fri Oct 29, 2010 10:40 am

"It was enough to wake me, the pain. I thought that it was the nightmare, it still comes now and then. Though it has lessened in the past months, it still comes. But when the dream faded I tried getting up and walking about for a few moments, and it seemed to ease a little, enough that I could return to bed, but it woke me again early this morning. It always rests in my lower back. Though now, it is radiating forward.

I don't understand. I rest all the time. No one allows me to keep my feet for more than a few hours at a time. I do not overwork myself. Most of what I do can be done seated, or delegated." The pen stutters, leaving ink across the page.

"I think I need to seek out Aisling. It is growing stronger."

Subject: Where does my time go? Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:00 am

"The hour is late. Or perhaps it is early. I'm not certain where the time goes these days. A few short hours ago I was standing at the side of the Queen at Court, and a few short hours from now, I know I will be waking from a dream I do not wish to wake from. Such is the price of such late nights.

I haven't been home to Solomon's Cove for days. I have simply had too much that has kept me either in the capital or here in Car Zenesa. I know that my son spends much time these days on the farm, but it is not where he wishes to be, he has the heart of a Rom. I have granted him permission to return to Vatra with Yanko. I know he misses his uncle. And young Angus as well. I fear he is still somewhat shy with Aly, but I know that it will pass in time, as my own did, when she and I began to grow close.

I see the happiness and closeness between her and my brother and my heart aches with joy for them. The day after tomorrow...well, I suppose it will actually be tomorrow...she is coming to see me so we can discuss the design of the gown she will wear for their wedding. The time is passing so quickly, and I want to ensure that the gown is absolutely perfect for her. She will be a beautiful bride, and that they chose the ballroom of the palace...it shall be an unforgettable wedding.

I have not yet told Hans of my new position. I have not been home, and he does not come to Court. I am not even certain he has seen the announcement. I fear his reaction. I know he was little pleased when I chose to accept the position of the Queen's First Lady. But I do not see these things as personal advancement. Whether I am called 'Your Grace', 'Baroness', or 'dirty gypsy', it does not change who I am. It is not the title I seek, or the land or wealth. It is only my desire to serve the Kingdom I love. Whether that be as a singer in a tavern, a seamstress for a bride, a lady to a Queen, or a leader of a division, I will give my all.

Too, as my time draws near, I prefer not to stray far from the capital. Lady Aisling has promised to deliver me, and she has been monitoring the progress of my pregnancy. Here in Car Zenesa, I am not far from Meldrum City, but as the weeks progress, I think I shall take to the chamber I have been allowed at the castle, where I will be close to the healers at a moment's notice. I shall have to begin seeking out a suitable nurse for when the baby is born.

I so look forward to sitting a horse again, to dancing again, even to curtsying. Such simple things that have become dangerous or difficult. "

A faint sound behind her caught her ear and her head turned for a moment, listening. A smile gently touched her lips before she turned back to the page of her journal, dipping her quill within the ink once more.

"Tomorrow...or rather today...shall be an eventful day. Soon, Zindelo will be arriving with his needle and a hoop for my nostril. I am a little anxious about the pain. But..I have survived childbirth and the gods willing, I shall again. Such a minor pain is a small price to pay for the beauty of such a ring. And then, in the evening, a gathering of my closest friends. A night of celebration, for...of all things...me. Shade has promised such viands that my mouth already begins to water. I should return to my bed. If I might find sleep, the sooner this evening shall arrive, and I do not wish to be under-rested." With a tired yawn, she closed the cap of her inkwell and dried the tip of the quill before she rose from the small sitting room desk, finishing the final swallow from her glass before padding silently into the darkness of her room.

Subject: Aftermath Wed Sep 08, 2010 12:18 am

The first place we went was the townhouse. I had managed to stop the nervous tears that were falling when Hans and I left the castle. We took the carriage part of the way, but a tree had fallen across one of the roads we could have taken, and the other was too strewn with rubble to make passage of it's wheels possible. From there, we had to walk. My foot was beginning to throb by the time we reached the house...or what was left of it. Our son was in Solomon's Cove, and it would take time to get there, the best we could do was go by horse back. Luckily, the stables were not much damaged, and though the horses were spooked, they appeared unharmed. It was the house that brought on another round of tears. I am so weary of weeping. It seems to be all I do, whether I am upset, or happy, it seems I can no longer control my emotions.

The house, like so many others, was nearly reduced to rubble. The second floor had collapsed upon the first. I was suddenly, very thankful that I had not been much using the townhouse. Ann had been sent to Car Zeneso to oversee the estate there, and many of our belongings had been sent on either there or to Solomon's Cove. Only what was most necessary had been kept here, for the rare nights when I stay over in the city.

While Hans saddled one of the horses, I sat down upon a bale of hay to have a look at my foot. It was then, that I noticed the trail of bloody footprints leading across the stable floor to where I now sat. BJ had bound it for me, but when I lifted my right foot, I could see that the bandage was saturated, and my satin slipper was soaked through. I managed to unwind the bandage and then removed my stocking. The shard I had stepped on had gone deep into my heel, and a wide gash was opened along the bottom of my foot. I know I grimaced with the pain of it, but while Hans was trying to calm the horse enough that he would allow a saddle, I tore a length of linen from my under dress and rebound the wound, more tightly in hopes that it would staunch the bleeding. If I need to, I will see a healer when less is at stake, but I know at the moment they are tending those with broken bones, and much more serious injuries. I took worse than this when I took that knock to the head from Draxel, or even when I was...

No, this was simply not a priority. Hans managed to get the horse saddled and then lifted me before him. I knew he could sense my worry, even as we rode out of the city to get home. It was nearing the middle of the night before we arrived, but my anxiety eased with every mile we drew closer. The further away from the city we traveled, the less damage there seemed to be, though I couldn't be certain in the darkness.

Leopold ran out to meet us when we arrived home. He was unharmed, and as Hans had assured me, there was little damage there. Our son was excited to tell us about the small tremor that ran through the ground as he was preparing for bed, and since, he'd been too wound up to sleep. I'd never been so thankful to see him. His excitement was dampened however, when he saw the state we were in, both of us covered in dust and dried blood around the hem of my gown.

Hans helped me inside while Leopold tended to the horse and saddled two fresh mounts, that they might return to be of assistance in the city, where the earthquake hit the hardest. When they left, I bathed, and tended to my wounded foot, carefully flushing it to ensure no glass remained in the cut, before I cleaned it with a bottle of rakia I keep for my brother, and bound it with a clean bandage. Now, here I lay, propped in our bed in a silent house.

I am too restive to sleep. Hans and our son, I know, are helping in the rescue of those that were trapped by the quake, lending their strength where they are able. Never have I felt more helpless. Or useless. Tomorrow, I will return to the city, even if I must use the mists. There is little I might be able to do, but at the least, I can direct the ladies of the Queen in their assistance, and see to Her Majesty.

Subject: Re: Thoughts in the Dark Tue Jun 08, 2010 11:22 pm

Court had concluded and the night was growing late when Luludja sat down to pen a few words into her journal, her neat, practiced hand flowing across the parchment.

"I am beginning to feel fear growing in my heart for this coming battle. In two days time, Solurius will vanquish its enemy, of that I have no doubt, but I fear those we might lose in the process. The life lost on either side is a thing to mourn, but how much more so will we weep for the names of those we hold near and dear? I sent a token and a message with Her Grace, Aly Macdraven for my husband and hope she is able to deliver it before the battle is joined. I pray Hans will return home to his family when the battle is decided. I am trying to remain strong without him beside me, but I am beginning to fear that my mind is slipping. Either that, or I have overwrought and overtired my pregnant brain. I have not told a soul, but I saw him the other night in the garden. I had slipped out after court, unable to any longer contain the tears that threatened my eyes when each sight, each voice brought back a memory of him. As I wept, he called to me. He called to me and I went to him. It was so real. I could feel the warmth and strength of his arms around me. But I know that it was not real. It could not have been. He saw me as I was before I was attacked, even I could see the long curls that I no longer bear. I drew back from him when I realized he was a vision, an illusion. Maybe it was all a dream. I woke in the night with my head on my arms against the seat of a bench. I have not seen anything like it again, but when I go through the rooms of our home, I can hear him saying my name. It is just a whisper. But I hear it."

For a moment, she closed her eyes, resting her hand over them. A few deep breaths were taken before she took up the pen once more.

"Hans, please, come home to me. I need you now more than ever, mi pirani. Come home."

Subject: Thoughts in the Dark Fri May 14, 2010 10:16 am

I don't know what time it is. It is still dark outside and I am still stiff from lying on the floor where I woke. For a moment, I thought it was all a dream and I almost began to cry, because it had been such a beautiful dream, one I never wished to wake from. But then I realized that I was warm, though the cold was seeping from the floor through my gown, and it was because he was there. I was still in his arms.

I worried when I saw that the blood had dried on his shirt, and hoped it had not dried against the wound on his chest. I knew it would be painful to peel away and likely start the bleeding again. He has already bled enough. We both have. Though he bled physically, I knew we both had been wounded inside. But when he came last night to my door, it was as though my heart had never been broken. Just seeing his face had mended me, made me whole again. I didn't realize just how very lost I was without him.

I lay there for a long while, just letting my fingertips caress his cheek, smoothing his beard, listening to the heart beating in his chest, until the urge to record my thoughts finally overpowered my desire to remain where I was. However, before I put my pen to this paper, I tied the lock of his hair around the crimson vial and wrapped them both in the silken sash along with his letter. It was symbolic to me. The essence of what he is, his body, his heart, his mind all represented, gifted to me. I will treasure them. Once we return home, I will secure them in another wrapping and place them somewhere secret. The sash must be returned to him, it was my first gift to him.

In a few short hours, I know he will wake. And I will call for the water for his bath, and perhaps he will let me tend to him. We will break our fast together, a fast not just of food, but of our companionship. Today, perhaps, we will discuss what happened, but I do not know that it is necessary. What is necessary is that I return to him now, before he wakes another morning without me there.

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